and down came the rain....than up came the sun!!!!

Sorry this one is rather long and rambling......and no pix...

So life with a baby....very different that is for sure!!!!
that next week, (which was 2 weeks after having her) was a huge eye opener for me and I started to realize that I was very sad. The more I thought about it the sadder I became. I didn't have that loving bond that you hear all the woman talk about. I didn't feel like her mom, she didn't feel like my baby. In fact, I felt like I was babysitting all the time and the parents were never coming to pick up their baby!!
I kept waiting for those loving feelings to come, the feeling of unconditional love and all those feelings that you hear new mothers talk about. How they felt an incredible bond as soon as their babies were put into their arms. I never felt any of that and was starting to think there was something definitely wrong with me.
The feelings ate at me so much that I just started crying one day in her room while I was rocking her. I felt so bad for this cute little baby in my arms because here she was, we tried for so long to have her and I was not jumping for joy, I didn't feel attached to her at all , I felt so bad that she was stuck with me. Through the next few days it got worse and pretty soon all I was doing was crying and crying. The feelings I was having were so horrible and bizarre. I woke up crying, went to bed crying, didn't want to hold the baby or really have anything to do with her. It was so very sad. I really thought i was going crazy and Vince probably did too. Poor Vince, I followed him around the house like a little puppy. I had this huge unexplainable pit in my stomach. I could only explain it by saying "Doom and Gloom" that is all i feel.

I started thinking that us having a baby was the biggest mistake of my life and how I longed and wished for my old life back. Now I'm sure you are all thinking how this isn't very nice at all and believe me i thought the same thing but when you are in the middle of Post Pardum Depression you think crazy sh*t!!!! Poor Vince he couldn't understand what was wrong with me, why all of a sudden I didn't want to have a baby after I had desperately wanted one for so long. I lost all my 30 lbs of baby weight in the first 3 weeks because i couldn't sleep or eat anything. I pretty much lived on prepacked apples, lol. Food just tasted horrible..

I never use to be able to understand when woman talked about the crazy things they would do during PPD, and just depression in general. How do people think of killing themselves, or how life would just be easier if you weren't in it anymore. These were some of the crazy thoughts that i was having. Actually thinking these things in your head as if they are a real possibility is so hard to fathom until you are the one thinking them. Its kind of all like a very bad dream now but when you are in it, its the worst kind of hell I tell you.


I started asking my friends if they felt like this in the beginning and that is when people started to realize there was something wrong with me. Something more than just the baby blues!! Thank god for all my friends and family because with out them I don't think I ever would of made it out of that horrible place I was in.

I hadn't told anyone all my crazy thoughts and feelings because they were so horrible for a new mother to be having and seemed so wrong. I felt very ashamed, very alone and confused. One day while talking with Dominique about them she mentioned that she thought i might have post pardum depression and that i should go and talk with my dr. Since I had invitro, we thought maybe that's why i wasn't having a bond with Bella. Little did I know how bad i would actually get before I saw the rainbow at the end of this very dark, and gloomy tunnel.

I have the BEST FRIENDS in all of the world, and i thank god for them everyday!!
I would like to thank Dominique with all my heart, as she was my daily and pretty much hourly "saving grace" in the beginning of this lonely and dark journey.
I was on the phone with her at least once an hour. She seemed to always sense when I needed to talk or was having an episode because she would always call at the right time. She came to the dr's with me and he put me on prozac. I still can't believe that I have to be on prozac, it was very hard to have to admit that and accept it. I would much rather tuff something out and do it on my own than to take a drug. BUT this was waaaaaaaaay over my abilities to do and i felt if i didn't take something fast my life would be totally over.
Kelly was the first to offer to take Bell over night, (bless her heart) and I was sooooo thankful ! I know it sounds strange as most babies don't leave their mothers side, well poor little Bella, she stayed the night away from home many nights. Kelly took her quite a few times and would come and spend the day with me and take care of bell while i was just a blubbering idiot. ..my poor friends....Thank you soooooooo much Kelly you have no idea what you mean to me and how much i owe you for all that you have done for me!!! Pammy you too!!! poor Pammy actually spent a whole weekend with me to try and help me out. She slept with Bell and got up with her through the night, she tried to let me sleep which i couldn't and she sat up with me I can laugh at this now but they all must of thought Id gone off the deep end. Pascale too was another saving grace for me. She called me everyday to make sure I was ok and took Bella a few times over night for me and would come and visit me during the day. Pammy and Kelly you know that you are my bestest friends in all of the world, and I would be lost without you two!!! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH from the bottom of my heart!!!! I know you couldn't fully understand where I was at but you didn't judge me or look down at me or make me feel like I was a horrible mother you just luved me and made me feel better. You helped me out soooo much and its scary to think how i would of gotten through it if it wasn't for you. I luv you sooo much i hope you know how much you both are appreciated and luved by me and your beautiful little niece......Bellaroo

Pammy printed me out an article from Brooke Shields and her battle with PPD, and as i read it i felt so much better because everything she was saying was exactly how i felt. I wasn't crazy after all!! Vince went and bought me her book "Down came the Rain" and as I read it, I was amazed at the similarities between her story and mine. She had also undergone invitro and had all those extra hormones in her system. People that undergo invitro have a higher chance of getting post pardum. Finally I knew that i would get out of this funk and back to a normal life....

I would like to thank my mom, thank goodness for her. She pretty much stayed and lived with us for the first almost the first 2 months. When i needed to hand off the baby she was there to take care of her for me so i could escape to outside and try and pull myself together. The best advice i got was to fake it till i felt it, so with the drugs and this attitude and all the help from my friends and family, i finally made it out of the doom and gloom and now my days are filled with tons of sunshine and this beautiful little baby Bella who is now the light of my life. I do feel like her mom and her smile melts my heart!!!! Im so glad that part of my life is over and I triumphed. I do get sad when i think of the time that i lost with her, but at least she won't ever remember her crazy crying mother =) LOL she will only remember me the way I am today, us playing and having fun. I love her more than life itself and i wouldn't mind giving her a little brother someday!!!! hehe